DC Sparrow Drops Amnesty Message on Dubya

Satire by John W. Lillpop

While engaged in hand-to-hand combat with the White House media mob on issues like Iraq, illegal immigration, and Alberto Gonzales, President Bush received an unsolicited poll on the amnesty scheme now before congress.

As shown in the video at the link below, the sparrow selected "bird sh**"
as the word best describing Dubya's dumb deal with Democrats!

As one would expect from a boy raised out in the country, Dubya used his right hand, rather than a handkerchief or tissue, to clean the spot from his suit.

One can only hope that the next person to shake the president's hand was a liberal Democrat.

Here:

http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=c28_1180051991


John Lillpop is a recovering liberal.

"Hate Paint" Thrives in Baltimore

Satire By John W. Lillpop

Baltimore, Maryland is a city haunted by liberal infestation without equal, save San Francisco which is actually a political suburb of Moscow.

Evidence of Baltimore’s decadent politics is ample: Speaker Nancy Pelosi was born here; her father was a U.S. Congressman from Maryland and a Mayor of Baltimore, and one of her five brothers also served as mayor.

With such a rich history of liberal politics, one would expect Baltimore to be a shining example of political correctness, diversity, and tolerance.

“Acceptance and love for everyone” is surely mandated by city ordinance, and enforced more rigorously than laws pertaining to drunken driving, acts of terrorism, and other felonies less serious than non-PC speech.

Despite the influence of Speaker Pelosi and other family politicians, it turns out that Baltimore is home to intolerant scalawags, at least when it comes to conservative icons and great American patriots like Rush Limbaugh.

Baltimore vandals, suffering from obvious deficits in diversity training, decided that a billboard featuring the mug of America’s beloved El Rushbo was too offensive and bland.

So the thugs splattered the billboard face of Rush with gobs of red, blue, yellow, pink, and black paint.

Sun

Reacting to the vulgar defacement of the greatest “ditto head” to ever live, Robert Murrow of the Baltimore Department of Public Works, told a local newspaper: ""It looks like they took globs of paint and threw it on his face. It looks great. It did my heart good.”

Murrow stated the obvious when he added that he is no ditto head. He is, however, a flaming dodo head.

Baltimore officials report that an investigation is ongoing to determine who defaced the billboard. A full and unrelenting prosecution is promised once the guilty party or parties is identified.

For her part, Speaker Pelosi emphatically denied any role in the Rush Rage that is consuming her place of birth and declared that “intolerance is intolerable and will not be tolerated, even in cases involving intolerably intolerant ditto heads and other right wing fools.”

Unconfirmed reports indicate that the speaker is perhaps being disingenuous, at the very least.

That is the conclusion of an anonymous tipster who reports that careful examination of the pink and black globs around Rush’s mouth clearly show the initials NP,SOTH.

Nancy Pelosi, Speaker of the House--and closet starving artist?



John Lillpop is a recovering liberal.

Duyba Winks at Queen; Yo! Liz NOT Amused

By John W. Lillpop

In a welcoming ceremony for Queen Elizabeth at the White House, President Bush stumbled somewhat by implying that the monarch had toured the United States in 1776.

Duyba immediately recognized his gaffe, and made up for it by gifting the Queen with a Texas-sized wink, the kind normally reserved for really important occasions.

Like when learning that Speaker Pelosi and Majority Leader Harry Reid have been committed to a Washington D.C. psych ward by the Zell Miller wing of the Democrat Party.

Or when told that Osama bin Laden’s dialysis machine has gone wonky, leaving the terrorist boss stranded in a Pakistani cave thousands of miles from medical care.

Or upon hearing that Cindy Sheehan has suffered heat prostration and has been ordered by her doctor to avoid Crawford, Texas at all costs.

Or upon learning that an additional million illegal aliens from Mexico have crashed US borders and are squatting here illegally.

Duyba’s friendly wink at the monarch does not appear to have been well received: The queen was not amused!










John Lillpop is a recovering liberal.

Addicted to Addictions?

Satire By John W. Lillpop








Life in America used to be so much simpler and less stressful.

For instance, back in the “Good Old Days,” Uncle George always drank too much at family holiday gatherings. But back then, Uncle George’s lack of self-control was recognized as the issue. He was the problem, and it would have been unthinkable to call him a victim.

Things are vastly different in 2006.

These days, addictions and recovery programs for dealing with them, are a huge industry. They earn scores of billions of dollars for enterprising “counselors” who will tell you that it is not your fault that you weigh 520 pounds, chain-smoke Pall Mall unfiltered cigarettes, use cocaine and heroine on an hourly basis, and have rarely drawn a sober breath since you were nine years old.

None of that is your fault!

Nearly every human frailty can be traced to an addiction. People claim debilitating addictions to:

-Tobacco
-Too much sex
-Too little sex
-Love
-Alcohol
-Illicit drugs
-Too much work
-Too little work
-Prescription medicines
-Food
-The Internet
-Shopping
-News
-Politics
-And on and on and on

In fact, it has gotten so weird that I am thinking of opening a new treatment clinic. It shall be called the Recovery Program for overcoming Addiction to Addictions.

After 30 days and $70,000, I guarantee you will be free from the compulsion to find another addiction in your life.

My program works--mostly because after I finish with you, there will not be enough money left in your bank account to buy another respectable victimization.

The latest addiction in our society is to cell phones. People drive while talking on their cell phones, while shopping at the supermarket, while at the theater, while at the library, while at the opera, while talking on a land phone, and in just about every other situation.

I even saw a man talking on a cell phone while otherwise engaged at a public urinal! Who would have imagined that “nature’s call” could have such a literal meaning?

A friend recently confided to me that he had spent hours and hours talking on a cell phone in an attempt to win the heart of the woman he was hopelessly in love with. Unfortunately, the fellow not only lost his love, but his cell phone provider billed him $2,400 for one month of calls—a stark reminder that, these days, talk is anything but cheap!

Which reminds me—I think I will add a Cell Phone Recovery Wing to my treatment center. Call me on my cell at ######## to get well in time for the holidays!

John Lillpop is a recovering liberal.

An Interview with Speaker-elect Nancy Pelosi

Satire By John W. Lillpop



Just hours before her coronation as Speaker-elect, Nancy Pelosi sat down with John Lillpop of the LillSatire news conglomerate to discuss her historic rise to power. The transcript of that interview follows:


John:

Welcome, Madam Speaker-elect, and congratulations on your history-making achievement.

Nancy:

Thank you, John. It’s a pleasure to be here.

John:

If I can, Ms. Pelosi, I would like to get your analysis of the single-most pressing issue facing America as you prepare to take control of the U.S. House.

Nancy:

That is an excellent question. In my view, the greatest problem facing our nation is this: All the wrong people have the money these days.

John:

Ms. Pelosi? Can you elaborate and tell our readers how you plan to address this issue?

Nancy:

Well, it’s really quite simple if you think about it. The rich and powerful have all the money—and they are simply the wrong people to be entrusted with so much wealth.

We Democrats plan to change that wealth dynamic through a series of bills designed to redistribute wealth to the poor and downtrodden, the less fortunate.

John:

Does that mean higher taxes?

Nancy:

Only for the filthy rich. Any family that makes more than $20,000 a year is living a pampered lifestyle, and needs to sacrifice more for the common good. We intend to balance the playing field by taxing the rich and funneling their money to the poor.

John:

What about spending? Are Democrats committed to frugality?

Nancy:

Absolutely! We are already working on landmark legislation to essentially disembowel the FBI, CIA, Pentagon, Homeland Security, and other “non-essential” services.

Eliminating these departments will free up hundreds of billions for vital services needed by America’s poor and needy.

John:

What programs will be funded for the poor and needy after you make those cuts?

Nancy:

John, this nation has 47 million uninsured people to worry about. We have 20 million illegal aliens from Mexico who are very needy and poor. We have countless homeless who need cars, homes, education, access to inexpensive drugs, and the list goes on and on.

John:

But what about the war on terror? The cuts you propose all seem to come at the expense of America’s defense and security.

Nancy:

Actually, the war on terror is a myth fabricated and disseminated by the Bush administration to send hundreds of billions of taxpayer dollars to Halliburton and other GOP fat cat corporations. There is no terrorist threat to America.

John:

But what about 9/11, Ms. Speaker-elect?

Nancy:

We have secured “Top Secret” documents from informants on the 9/11 Commission which indicate that 9/11 was a management conspiracy in the controller’s towers in Boston, New York City, and Washington, D.C. 9/11 was nothing more than an attempt at union busting by anti-labor airline management.


John:

Incredible. Can that information be made public so that the American people can see your proof?

Nancy:

As I said, the documents are “Top Secret.” So America will just have to trust John Murtha, John Kerry, and me to tell the truth.

John:

Another sizzling issue seems to be gay marriage. America is very divided on this—what are your beliefs?

Nancy:

I have a personal commitment to see that gay people have the same rights as all other Americans. We are a great people who did the right thing with respect to racial and gender discrimination. Now we need to emancipate gay people from the yoke of discrimination.


John:

What about adoptions by gay couples?

Nancy:

Actually, I have a very personal answer to that question. You see, my parents are gay—my father is a gay man, and mum is a lesbian. Both mum and dad had high-visibility jobs where their sexual orientation could not be made public. Thus, they married for convenience—a cover for both of them.

John:

So you were conceived as the result of a gay union?

Nancy:

It’s a tad bit more complicated than that. Mum and dad decided to forego the traditional “consummation” of their marriage for obvious reasons. But they wanted desperately to have a child.

So I was adopted and raised by a gay couple--and look how I turned out!

John: (Choking).

Excuse me, Ms. Pelosi. I see our time has elapsed. Thank you for coming here today.

Nancy:

Thank you, John.

G. W. Bush Will Run for President Again!

Satire By John W. Lillpop

To say that Washington politicians speak in stealth, and without apparent transparency, would itself be a perfect example of code-speak.

The fact is that most of what is said for public consumption in Washington has at least one possible alternative meaning. "Plausible Deniability" is an obvious ploy to shield public servants should overexposure to the light of day threaten to wreak havoc on previous assertions.

So it was with that cynical perspective that I read President Bush's recent statement to the Cuban people concerning their future, sans Fidel Castro.

Bush said: "We will support you in your effort to build a transitional government in Cuba committed to democracy, and we will take note of those in the current Cuban regime who obstruct your desire for a free Cuba."


To the politically naive, that would seem a fairly innocuous statement of reassurance to a nation of people that has suffered under a Communist dictator for more 40 years. G.W. was simply reminding Cubans that America stands ready to help should Castro expire any time soon. Right?

However, to those of us who know better, G.W. was really firing a warning shot at Fidel's radical brother, Raul Castro. In my view, G.W. was speaking in code about Cuba's future and his own political aspirations--inextricably linked if my political analysis is accurate.

In effect, G.W. was saying: "Fidel Castro is in God's hands. And that means the old commie fart will soon be your 'dearly departed' former president.

''But fret not, Cuba, because as luck would have it, yours truly will soon be looking for an executive position. I can bring you freedom, democratic rule and trade with the United States."

In other words, G. W. was announcing his intention to run for president again--but next time, he will be seeking the top job in Cuba.

And why shouldn't he?

In January 2009, G.W. Bush will be just 62 years old--a veritable lad. He takes no prescription medications and appears in excellent physical health. A perfect candidate to lead Cuba out of the dark days of communist despair and into the bright future of Compassionate Conservatism.

Besides, running for president of Cuba certainly beats the hell out of alternatives recently offered by Don Rumsfield. Rummy suggested that Bush do one of the following:

* Declare himself eligible for another term based on the perverted liberal argument that Al Gore actually won the 2000 election, or

* Append the 2007 Defense Appropriations bill with a Signing Statement declaring that the 22nd Amendment to the U.S. Constitution null and void.

Both ideas lack political pizzazz and are unlikely to connect with voters, even with all those bombs, tanks, fighter jets, guns, and Marines at Rummy's disposal.

And consider G.W.'s strengths and how they might benefit Cuba. A resume of qualifications for G.W. might read as follows:

G.W. Bush
The Oval Office
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, D.C.

Career Objective:
Executive position with government-backed pension and retirement benefits, plus two months annual vacation.

Related Experience:
Worked for eight years to bring peace, prosperity, and harmony to America. Would have succeeded were it not for partisan, leftist thugs known in the United States as Democrats.

Language Skills:
Spanish
Mexican
Texan--Pidgin English with a drawl

Greatest Achievement As President:
House-breaking Barney from doing his business on the Oval Office carpet.

Greatest Obstacle As President:
Learning the correct pronunciation of ''nuclear,'' but it's still what they call a work in progress.

Favorite Song: Hail to the Chief.

Currently Reading: June Reader's Digest

Just Finished Reading: May Reader's Digest*

* In Washington most of July--unable to get to Crawford library to check out
July issue.

Fondest Memory As President:
Telling John Kerry he had the wrong number when he called to concede the election in 2004.

Foreign Leader Most Admired:
Yo! Blair

Foreign Leader Least Admired:
Flat-footed tie between Osama bin Laden and Ted Kennedy

Hobbies:
Autographing my demolished cycling helmets and selling them to pay for heavily padded knee-and-elbow shock absorbers.

Role Model:
Cross between Yogi Berra and Ken Lay.

Advise for Next U.S. President:
Hispanically speaking, never misunderestimate your opponent's strategery.

References:
See results from 2004 U.S. presidential election.

Availability:
January 2009 at the latest. Depending on the 2006 mid-term elections, it could be much sooner.

And finally, the ''G.W. Bush Vision Statement for All Cubans'':

''Good eyesight is vital to seeing a bright future. I encourage all Cubans to take good care of the eyes God gave you, even if you do not always see eyeball-to-eyeball with him.''

Run, George, run!

John W. Lillpop is a recovering liberal.

W's January Surprise

Satire By John W. Lillpop


With most of the world anxiously awaiting the president’s announcement concerning new plans for the war in Iraq, beltway insider Opel Bijiquiovarti reports that Bush will rock America and all of the world with a “January Surprise.”

According to Bijiquiovarti, the following is the final transcript of the speech that Bush will deliver from the Oval Office next Wednesday evening:

“Good evening, fellow Americans. Laura and I extend our best wishes for a happy and healthy new year to each and every American.

On November 7, 2006, America showed the world why we are the greatest and most blessed nation in human history.

For on that otherwise ordinary Tuesday in November, the principles of freedom, rule of law, and self-determination were exercised by tens of millions of patriotic Americans who voted in free and open elections.

Without a single shot being fired, the American people demanded a massive change in government: Republicans in power were to be replaced by Democrats.

For Republicans, including your president, that message was a disappointment. We Republicans have worked hard to serve the American people and believe we succeeded, for the most part.

Nonetheless, I respect the will of the people and will abide by their judgments. That is what the U.S. Constitution requires me to do, and it is the right thing to do as well.

Immediately after the results of the election became clear, I began implementing the will of the people.

On November 8, former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfield was allowed to resign in order that a new direction could be pursued in Iraq.

Later that month, John Bolton was permitted to resign as the U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations, and Ken Mehlman was replaced as Republican National Committee Chairman.

Just last week, Harriet Miers left the White House and returned to Texas to oversee the state lottery. Laura and I wish Harriet the best, and are willing to bet the ranch that she will do a great job.

Note, please, that none of these changes were specifically called for by the November 7 elections.

But because I have always been a unifier rather than a divider, I have expanded my policy of preemptive strikes to include urgent domestic issues, where possible, without sacrificing principles.

In keeping with that policy decision and to further demonstrate my commitment to the will of the people, I am announcing the most dramatic change of all, a move that is unprecedented in American history.

I am announcing here and now, that I, George W. Bush, president of the United States, have changed my political affiliation from Republican to Democrat, effective immediately!

To cynics in the media and jaded politicians on both sides of the aisle, do not misinterpret this as a political act of desperation, or a public relations ploy.

Let the truth reverberate load and clear: George W. Bush has changed his long-held political allegiance in order to accommodate the will of the American people.

Period!

For my new Democratic colleagues, please rest assured that we already share many common goals and ideals.

Indeed, when it comes to illegal immigration, open borders, bilingual everything, coddling Muslims, No Child Left Behind, trillions for new entitlement programs, out-of-control spending, and massive federal debts, I have been a dedicated liberal for several years.

Of course, we do differ on the war in Iraq.

In this regard, as the new leader of the Democrat party, I hereby order Speaker Pelosi and Senate Leader Reid to join me in embracing the “surge” strategy that America needs to win the war on terror.

Finally, in order to manage a smooth transition of my administration from Republican to Democrat, I have asked Howard Dean to replace Karl Rove in the White House, also effective immediately.

As your new Democrat president, I promise to work tirelessly for the American people in pursuit of goals that will advance the interests of America and its people, in the most leftward direction humanly possible.

Thank you.”

John Lillpop is a recovering liberal.

W's Early Hurricane Warning to Governor Blanco, Mayor Nagin

Satire By John W. Lillpop

(An open Letter)

January 22, 2007

Dear Governor Blanco and Mayor Nagin:

Where does the time go? Here we are just a few months away from the official start of the 2007 hurricane season. It seems like only yesterday Mother Nature was beating up poor black people in New Orleans and environs.

With your help, I might add.

My purpose in writing in January is to remind you of the inherent dangers in the Big Easy, especially during hurricane season. I hope you are both aware of the fact that New Orleans is below sea level. This fact was repeatedly announced in the news and was on television in August and September of 2005.

Because you are below sea level, flooding is a real possibility if a major hurricane lands in your city. Which reminds me of my next point: Louisiana, including New Orleans, is what we call a "Gulf" state where hurricanes are quite common.

Follow so far? To recap: You are below sea level in a city where major hurricanes can and do happen.

Below seal level+hurricane danger= Possibility of flooding and loss of life and
property.

In reviewing my "lessons learned" file from 2005, I think it wise to pass on a few tips for the new season:

-Michael Brown is no longer with FEMA, so you will not be able to blame your failures on "brownie" this year. In addition, Mr. Chertoff's days are numbered, so he will probably not be your fall guy this Fall.

-Because my poll numbers are already so putrid, you can blame me all you like. However, it will not make a bit of difference, besides I am "termed out." It's in an amendment to the Constitution if you ever have a spare moment to read.

-Mayor Nagin, if you could start moving buses to high ground now, you might save some lives. Waiting until the storm hits and then bitching because your buses are all under water is not good strategery!

-Governor Blanco will you kindly not tell anyone that the levees are OK until someone with normal intelligence can assess the situation? You were no doubt well intentioned last time when you gave the "all clear," but that faulty call resulted in unnecessary loss of lives and property.

-Mayor Nagin, if you would kindly not tell the media that you have ordered XXX body bags until a normal person has evaluated the situation. In 2005, you announced that 20,000 body bags had been ordered which added to the hysteria of the media and your Democrat pals looking to score political points.

Above all, remember this is not issue about Democrat vs Republican or liberal vs conservative. We are all members of the same team and will sink or swim together. No pun intended.

Until next time, I remain your Faithful Federal Father Figure,


GW

John Lillpop is a recovering liberal

Dear CAIR: Please Boycott Airlines Serving Hawaii--In May!

Satire By John W. Lillpop

Of all the bloody cheek!

No longer content with just ramming airplanes into skyscrapers, devotees of the "Religion of Peace" have raised the terror bar another couple of notches.

Now these neurotic stowaways from the 7th century have flexed their financial muscle by threatening to boycott Northwest Airlines. It seems as though agents at Northwest had the audacity to demand that Muslim travelers follow international and airline rules by checking in least one hour before scheduled departure time.

It had something to do with security, 9/11, terrorism threats, etc. Nothing that would concern any card-holding Jihadist. Right?

In any event, travelers returning from a pilgrimage to Mecca, Saudi Arabia, allegedly arrived just twenty minutes before departure, rather the required hour.

That is when Northwest Airlines personnel acted responsibly and refused to allow 40 of Allah's best and brightest to board the plane.

Of course, lawyers from CAIR subsequently gathered to address the issue in the spirit of fairness, reasoned logic, and common sense.

When all of those approaches failed, CAIR resorted to their standard policy book and screamed Racism! blah, blah, blah. And they then threatened to boycott the company, meaning that Muslims would get even by not flying Northwest Airlines.

Go here:

Excuse me, did I read that correctly? The Muslims threatened to stay away from Northwest Airlines?

Good grief, how lucky can any airline get?

Immediately after confirming this report, I checked the itinerary for my Hawaii vacation in May and dispatched the following letter to the San Francisco branch of CAIR:

Dear CAIR:

Knowing how racist and belligerent some airlines can be, I thought it my civic duty to inform you of a situation that is untenable for any ax-wielding Jihadist.

I refer to XXX Airlines, Flight XX, on May 5, 2007. This flight is non-stop from San Francisco to Honolulu, and leaves at 730 am, PDT. Gate 2a, Terminal 3.

In addition, please make note of the return flight from Honolulu to San Francisco on May 19, 2007.

Both of these flights are to be avoided by Muslims at all costs. The pilots, stewardesses, security personal, bartenders, and Red Caps at the airports for these flights are all racists. Some are even reported to be closet Jews.

Please confirm receipt of this advisory and CAIR's firm commitment to boycott the identified flights.

Praise be to Allah,


JWL
Infidel, Second Class



John Lillpop is a recovering liberal.

Progressive Compassion Needed to Fix Immigration?

Satire By John W. Lillpop


























For Immediate Release

(San Francisco)---The following press release was issued by the Office of Nancy Pelosi, Speaker of the United States House of Representatives:

With the Cinco de Mayo celebrations looming, Speaker Pelosi believes that the American people need progressive ideas and leadership when it comes to the issue of immigration.

In order to steer America away from the subhuman quagmire that George W. Bush has created, Speaker Pelosi is proposing the following program to make America a more attractive destination for third world peasants to invade.

In her own words, then, Speaker Pelosi offers her Cinco de Mayo greeting to America and the remaining peasants in Mexico who have not yet invaded America, but who will do so when monthly food stamp and welfare allotments increase by at least 10 percent.

Nancy Pelosi's Progressive Compassion Program to Fix Immigration


No Human Being Is Illegal

As Democrats, we believe that the term "illegal alien" should only be used when referring to the invasion of a woman's uterus by an unwanted fetus, and then only as needed to provide concise language for the death certificate of the aborted interloper.

When used to describe migrants from Mexico and other Latin nations, the term illegal alien is xenophobic and morally repugnant, and is a pernicious denial of the humanness of some of the most talented toilet bowl scrubbers, janitors, housemaids, burger flippers, fruit pickers, and operators of hi-tech leaf blowers in America.

We Democrats also object most vehemently when "illegal alien" is used as a derogatory slur against killers, MS-13 gangsters, drunken drivers, welfare cheats, identity thieves, drug smugglers, child molesters, and other future constituents who are down on their luck and in need of a helping hand, rather than a kick in the groin/posterior.

As Speaker of the House, I have drafted redemptive legislation to add "illegal alien" and "wetback" to the list of terms that qualify as hate speech in America.

This draft is being reviewed by Mexican President Felipe Calderon and the Mexican Congress, and will be released to U.S. House members after all comments from Mexico's leaders have been resolved to the satisfaction of Mexico.

A Spanish translation of the draft will also be sent to the White House for President Bush to review.

For the record: The preferred term for those living here, but missing a silly piece of paper or two, is "Undocumented Constituent."


America Must Be Deportation-free Sanctuary

Tens of millions of undocumented constituents hide in the shadows of American society, afraid to assimilate because of fear of punitive action by a government that hates the color brown.

San Francisco pioneered the "Nuclear-free" zoning concept several years ago to alert the world that The City is completely free from nuclear weapons and should not be attacked. That policy has worked beautifully, because there have been no nuclear incidents since the declaration was codified into San Francisco's City Charter.

Using the same template of success, I, in conjunction with San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsome, hereby designate all of America as a deportation-free sanctuary to anyone who can prove that he/she is here from Mexico without proper documentation, who speaks Spanish, but absolutely no English, and who is destitute and in need of public services.

As an added benefit, undocumented constituents who can prove they are HIV positive are also eligible for free housing and transportation in San Francisco.

These progressive enhancements will surely make undocumented constituents feel most welcome and, we hope, shadow free!


Bring Troops Home to Reduce "Pressure" on the Border

During his State of the Union address, President Bush advised the American people that the immigration problem is the result of too much "pressure" on America's borders.

Although the president is wrong on just about everything, he has this one right.

We Democrats intend to help the befuddled president take pressure off the borders by requiring that our troops be withdrawn from Iraq and sent to the border with Mexico by the 4th of July, 2007.

At the border, our brave military troops would escort and assure safe passage for any and all Latinos wishing to invade America.

American troops would be authorized to use whatever force needed, including lethal, to prevent renegade border patrol agents and outlaw vigilantes, AKA Minutemen, from hindering the flow of undocumented constituents into the promised land.

In addition to providing escort services, our troops would be used in a door-to-door campaign to confiscate every last firearm in the unsteady hands of ordinary Americans.

Gun Control: Repealing the 2nd Amendment

As the tragic circumstances surrounding the Virginia Tech massacre made quite clear, America must establish far greater legal impediments to all forms of gun ownership.

Repealing the 2nd Amendment to the Constitution is the only reasonable recourse for responsible Americans.

In addition, we Democrats strongly support a recent proposal by a Canadian journalist that would have the U.S. military go door to door to confiscate guns

Undocumented constituents are overwhelmingly in favor of repealing the 2nd Amendment, and would make excellent door to door "confiscators" in America's war against guns.

This is yet another reason why America must bring as many of these people into our nation as soon as possible.


Diversity and Tolerance Workshops

American citizens, particularly white Christian Republicans, can be an intolerant lot, especially when it comes to Spanish-speaking brown people.

A special outreach program should be established to eliminate racist thinking in bigoted whites by showing how undocumented constituents contribute to the America in so many ways.

Think about it: Were it not for undocumented constituents, America would have to fire scores of thousands of police officers, prison guards, probation officers, judges, bail bondsmen, drunk tank officers, detox nurses, Death Row supply clerks,and translators in our system of justice.

Without undocumented constituents there would be a calamitous oversupply of ACLU lawyers, food stamps, Cuervo beer, DUI defense attorneys who speak Spanish, welfare caseworkers, ID theft investigators, and English as a Second Language (ESL) instructors.

Undocumented constituents are vital to America's economy and white folks need to wake up and smell the refried beans!

Universal Health Care

As any American citizen who has tried to get medical attention at any emergency room knows, the great masses of undocumented constituents suffer immensely from the lack of affordable health insurance.

Indeed, undocumented constituents generally look haggard, emaciated, hung over, suffering from Delirium Tremors, and lacking in dental care.

A caring nation like America must implement a universal health care program for all people, including undocumented constituents

This humanitarian program can be funded by adding a $2.50 per gallon "wellness levy" to the cost of gasoline used in SUVs, Cadillac and Lincoln sedans, and all other vehicles registered to known Republicans.

A "wellness levy" would reduce the demand for foreign oil, cut global warming, and eliminate the need for Al Gore's hideous "An Inconvenient Truth," billed as a movie, but which was really a paid (by movie goers!) political announcement!

Higher Taxes, Redistribution of Wealth

One of the gravest problems facing America in 2007 is that all the wrong people have money.

Rich, white Republicans control most of the nation's wealth, but these people are simply the wrong people to be in control of so much wealth.

We Democrats support a progressive tax structure to level the playing field between the filthy rich and the unwashed poor.

Undocumented constituents are ALL poor and would vote unanimously to soak the rich with higher, higher, and even higher taxes!


Summary:

America faces many difficult challenges. But by bringing our troops home, tearing down impediments to newcomers, repealing the 2nd Amendment, and enacting other progressive ideas, we can save America for future generations of impoverished Mexicans.

Join me and the Democrat party as we work to make America truly the "Land of the Free" for scores of millions of good hearted, hard working people of color.

Let me close with a deep and inspirational spiritual thought: God dang America!

John Lillpop is a recovering liberal.

John Lillpop is a recovering liberal.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Delivers "Kiss of Death"

Satire by John W. Lillpop




Everyone agrees that Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is, if nothing else, an odd bloke.

All of that talk about the Holocaust being a myth, and threatening to drive Israel into the Mediterranean, have helped create a public persona of the Iranian president as somewhat of a lunatic.

However, Ahmadinejad's latest gaffe has even his harshest critics gasping in shock and disbelief.

Apparently, the little weasel decided that a teacher who flunked him out of a Human Rights class 40 years ago needed to be paid back before said mentor moved on to serve Allah as a virgin-slave in Islam heaven.

Thus, being the typical male chauvinist pig that he is, Ahmadinejad sealed his former teacher's fate by kissing the old lady on the hand and then embracing her.

This vulgar public orgy was interpreted by western observers as a sign that the wild man was going soft, and might be more reasonable in future interactions with the civilized world.

However, that notion was blown to smithereens once the real facts were disclosed.

Under Sharia law, it is forbidden for a man to have any physical contact with a woman to whom he is not related.

Now we know why Bill Clinton never formally converted to Islam!

But back to Mahmoud: Because the little old lady permitted Ahmadinejad to plant a kiss on her gloved hand, SHE is guilty of decadence and indecency and is to be stoned to death for her perversion.

And what about Ahmadinejad?

According to Sharia law, his F in Human Rights has been expunged, and he is to be honored in a nationally televised ceremony for going the extra mile to keep Islam free from the influence of unclean women with lust in their hearts!

You go Mahmoud!


John Lillpop is a recovering liberal.